Sunday, 30 March 2014

Typical Girl

So I did the typical girl thing and said no when I think I meant yes. 

Dating was new territory, at university I was never taken on a date date, but this may have been partly due to being fat and ugly…a little gap year weight gain did me no favours…ask my mum about when I arrived back at Heathrow…she cried. 

Relationships at university just kind of happen. Girls meets boy, digits exchanged the numerical kind, you bump into each other on a night out…ridiculous alcohol offers on top of your pre drinks that took place before your pre drinks tip you over the edge, then all that is left is the gamble as to whether you woke up with the guy you intended, a one night stand or….a kebab. Mine was always the latter, the only thing I went home with was a chicken tikka naan fresh off the press from Kebab Kid. I like to think it was because I was frigid but the more likely reality was that I was fat.  The only gamble I took was whether I’d managed to leave it in the kitchen or I woke up with it in my bed. 

Don’t get me wrong I wasn’t completely a lost cause, eventually in second year a guy started to pursue me but it took three months before I let anything happen as  I honestly thought he could be having a laugh at my expense. So he courted me and my kebab in usual uni style and eventually he became my first serious boyfriend. And yes, I was still a little (a lot) rounded. 

Then you move to London. No longer are you in the playground that is university, meeting friends of friends, boys in lectures or the opposite sex over a snakebite on a joint sport team night out. It never occurred to me how much we all had in common

But London, well where on earth do you start? When you go out you don’t know the entire club to talk to or be introduced to unfamiliar parties, girls and guys stick in their packs, one member occasionally straying over to another group if they have had one vodka too many. 

Then along came Tinder, and Londoners welcomed the socialness of being single, it was great. After you get over the initial scariness of dating, a few shockers will certainly help that reference date posts 1, 2, 3 for further detail, it becomes second nature and although it seemed the Tinder men weren’t what they said on the tin and often a swift exit was made…it made for great entertainment the following day amongst colleagues and friends. I was a whore of the 'one date' world.

Which brings me back to number 5 and why he took me by surprise -Tinder no.5 and real life no.5 actually tallied up. I loved his company and had such fun when I was with him but there was one problem, he had demonstrated the potentially to be socially awkward which to me was a deal breaker. It is of upmost importance to me that my boyfriend metaphorically speaking, as we girls do, would get along with my friends, my family and could walk into a room of the unknown and be able to hold their own. It was strange because the number 5 I spoke to over Tinder & text seemed like that man but in person he was a lot more reserved.

So I replied to his email and not in so many words indicated door 3- following that I received no reply, only radio silence for nearly a week, and on day three I realised that it actually bothered me that I hadn’t heard from him. Other tinder dates were still looming in the background but I was no longer interested in them, number 5 had now got my full attention…but he was nowhere to be seen. Then a week later after radio silence, I received this… 

(I am not the "jilted blogger" - I sacked him off remember?)

...He asked if I had triple bolted door 3...I told him I left it open... because I like the cold- being an ice queen and all that and there you have it, I popped back through door 3 for ‘the last supper’ and off we went. Simple as that.

Half way through the evening it occurred to me that he was more punchy and much less reserved- suddenly I had met my match and I knew I was in trouble…this is when I started to try. 

The following Tuesday I invited him for supper, door 3 was not mentioned again and I was out to impress so I prepared a three course meal…main course Chicken Pie. I decided to jazz up my specialty chicken and mushroom pie with bacon, give it a bit of extra flavour. Off I went creating my masterpiece adding the ingredients together, cooking up a storm, what could go wrong

Ta daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Here is my pie, not bad hey…until you ate it. 

On the plate, it looked great. In your mouth? Closely resembled gargling sea water. 

What I hadn’t taken into consideration- Smoked bacon is smokey a.k.a salty. So adding sodding salt as per the ingredients, on top of my smokey bacons bit became a recipe for disaster. 

This was shocker number 1 and from here the more I let my guard down….the faster I went downhill. 

Monday, 27 January 2014

No.5's Tinder Update

Following the cock up that was Thorpe Park, the uncomfortable conversation about my malfunctioning urethra after only two dates, asking for another guys business card on the third, dragging him to Raffles dancing on a school night on the fourth, and him discovering my Tinder blog and reading about all the other men I had dated and slated- it was by some sort of miracle that this guy wanted to continue seeing me...and after experiencing what felt like my very own series of Channel 4’s “Undateables” I welcomed my time with this gentleman, he was keen and it was refreshing - there was no games, so I didn't stop to think about how I properly felt or the wider picture, I was having too much fun.

Safe to say that has been achieved.

Our month dating spree was interrupted by my departure to Ibiza where I hadn’t contacted him because I didn’t really think we were in that place, I just thought we would catch up upon my return but on Thursday night, six days into the holiday I received this:

Followed by a few missed calls throughout the hour, and when the phone rang again at 11.30pm I knew we had a serious case of drink and dial on our hands.

Straight away I could tell no.5 was completely intoxicated as he shyly criticized that he had hoped to hear from me at least after an average of “2.5 days” and said I had a heart of ice and in his slurring state referred to me as an “Ice queen [swan sculpture]”.  I don’t think he intentionally meant to put ‘swan or sculpture’ in that sentence.

It was strange, there was something holding me back from throwing myself 100% into this but at the same time I wasn’t walking away. 

Sitting at my desk on Monday afternoon with a serious case of Ibiza blues you could not have asked for better timing, when a man walked into the office and presented me with an undeniably beautiful bouquet.

It was as though he knew what I would be thinking

I was perplexed, I had never expected these in a million years and especially not the very sweet note that accompanied them, which as you can see, said he missed me.

Who on earth would miss me?! 

I had gone into this with the lowest expectations after all the undateables, and yet no.5 continued to bewilder me with his perseverance. I had been overly confident throughout and not shown a hint of emotion but that hadn’t seemed to deter him, it was as though he knew something I didn’t and welcomed the challenge.



It was clear this was no longer a game or just material for my blog, there were real feelings involved and I needed to think carefully about my next move…so I decided to send an email to outline where I stood, not assuming what was going on in his head but that I didn't want him to think I was leading him on. And this was his reply:

"Admittedly I am in foreign territory here, believe it or not I’ve managed to go 30 years without being the one doing the pursuing. It’s sweet that you’re concerned about leading me on, but this doesn’t need to get complicated or painful. It’s simple really, I guess there are 3 doors:
 Door number 1
Behind this door is just a casual hook up. Nothing emotional, no attachment and no commitment. Just something that we both accept is pretty meaningless. However, there is a slight problem with this door, for it to open both people have to have the same expectations and want exactly the same thing -  I don’t think this is the case here so I’d suggest it’s not really an option.
 Door number 2
To open door number 2 you have to have some sort of attraction to me beyond “he’s OK and he pays for dinner” (not that I think you’re like that). It doesn’t mean I’m asking you to commit, or change your life plans, or do anything full on – no changes of facebook statuses or meeting parents. It simply means that, despite your best efforts, you do actually ‘like’ me and you want to see where this goes. In time this door might end up turning into something a little more serious, or for whatever reason it might not, but either way for this door to be worth opening you will need to drop your guard, at least a little and be a bit more open about where your head’s at.
 Door number 3
 This door is the exit – I will obviously be disappointed if this is the door you choose, but I’m a big boy so if this is what you want – be honest (I won’t go all stalkery or anything) I can understand if you’re having fun going on dates and you want to do the whole blog thing.
 To spell this out, just in case it wasn’t glaringly obvious – I’m door number 2. Believe me, I didn’t enter into this looking for anything, so you did catch me by surprise a little. But… I think you’re beautiful, funny and smart and I enjoy spending time with you. I realize that you might not know exactly what you’re going to do next but I actually like the fact you have your own life and I’m not asking/expecting you to make life decisions around me. Spending a bit of time together isn’t going to be hard it will just mean you want to, and are prepared to, make a little bit of effort.
Anyway, no obligation or explanation required you can just pick a door….x"

Oh my days

He could not have been clearer about where he stood, I was dumbfounded, not to mention completely taken back by his honesty.

...uh oh was my heart of ice melting?!

Eeek time to take responsibility...there was a decision that had to be made.

Follow for updates @shivermetinder